Friday, August 31, 2012

Russ Oestreich, 1965 - 2012 ~ RIP

Last evening I got an odd "friend" request from the wife of a man that was dear to me back in college. I debated whether or not to accept it, but did and then went to bed. This evening, I saw a post to her from someone else she knows, and it prompted me to go to her FB home page and explore. The results have left me profoundly sad and physically inert like so much silt settled to the bottom of some ancient river, the sounds of life muted by the density of the murky water.

From this impossible place, bear with me as I endeavor to tell you the story of my friend Russ O. I will try to be as honest as I can. The more astute among you will have honest questions. I have left no salient point out.

With every story there is a beginning and ours occurred in 1985 when Russ was a student at Asbury College (now University), and I had just returned from a year of teaching in Costa Rica. Upon returning, I renewed my friendships with a couple of men who I had been close to before embarking on my year abroad. One of these men was creating a discipleship group in the image of Christ and his apostles. In selecting his 12, we old friends were the core, and Russ was the last and youngest member to be invited to join. Together and separately we spent the next 3 years in each other's company. I actually participated in the weddings of 4 of the 13 men.

All the while I struggled with my own secret--(no secret now)--that I am gay. So to carry the metaphor out, I guess I was sort of the Judas of the group. At a point in 1989, I came out to the others. It was the most painful, fearful, vulnerable and inevitable thing I've ever done in my life. And I was treated in the moment kindly, but then rejected utterly and completely by all of them. All save one. Russ.

Russ is the one who told me how our then leader had instructed the other men to consider me "dead"...this from the first man (the leader) who ever kissed me!--and it was on a star filled night, and it wasn't a friendship peck on the cheek, but that's another story for another time...

My revelation came as the group had run its course. Members would within a year of my declaration be scattered across many states, but Russ remained to complete his education and our friendship found a new place from which to move forward.

I think it was in 1990 that he married his college girlfriend, Sharon. Later that year they moved to South Africa where he became the editor of a national Christian Magazine there. I had come to depend so much on his presence in my life emotionally that his departure was a jarring experience for me.

As a result, I actually travelled to South Africa and spent several weeks from late- November through December with he and Sharon. They were so kind to me--I was a hot mess of emotions and desires and ignorance of the world and my place in it. And even though I was older by 5 years or so, Russ was a rock.

Therefore, in the near term we continued our friendship. When his mother-in-law died suddenly, I joined them to help with organizing her estate--nothing major, but I still have a handful of artifacts that they gave to me out of appreciation, shells from a trip she'd taken to Fiji, a piece of petrified wood.

And all throughout the years I maintained a pedestrian and faithful communication between us; mostly in the form of holiday cards and poems written on the back of postcards. I always imagined that at some point Russ and I would revisit those years and process them more soundly.

Flash back to this evening.

The news on Sharon's FB page was about Russ. On July 25th he committed suicide. It was about that time that I sent him another notecard with poems and well wishes for a productive school year. (He was a public school teacher.) I guess getting that note prompted Sharon to send me a friend request, so that I could learn of Russ' untimely passing into ancestry.

As a young man in college, Russ had a fine and beautiful body. I envied it for its perfection and effortlessness of form. He was always first to smile, first to chuckle and ready with a silly thought to denude a tense moment. He wore thick glasses, which I can now appreciate, and was lost without them. He had the most delicate and beautiful well-formed small hands. As I type this, I can almost still imagine their gentle touch in mine.... fingers to palm, fingers on my wrist, the porcelain smoothness of his skin.

In my ears rings the words... why why why

This is a card that Russ sent to me from South Africa back in 1991. He's pressed local flowers in it. I framed it with them and in the 20 plus years they've faded. I don't remember what he said in the card, I honestly don't think I can open it now.
____________________________________

His Obituary in the local paper:

Russell S. Oestreich

Russell Scott Oestreich, age 46, Town of Menasha, died on Tuesday, July 24, 2012. Russell was born on October 11, 1965 to Russell George and Mary (Krier). He was a 1984 graduate of Neenah High School and 1988 graduate of Asbury University, Wilmore, KY. Russ was united in marriage to Sharon Munger on June 10, 1989. He is survived by his wife, Sharon; two sons: Ian and Eli; his father, Russell G. Oestreich; his mother, Mary Doran and her husband, Leonard Doran; his sister, Heidi Frank; his grandmother, Genevieve Krier; his aunt, Kathryn (Dick) Peterson; his uncle, Jim (Wendy) Krier; his nieces and nephews: Courtney and Sarah Susor, Brenna and Nathan Frank, and Travis (Barb) Warren. He was preceded in death by his sisters: Tracy Warren and Jodi Susor. A visitation will be held Friday, July 27, 2012 from 4 - 6 PM at Congregational United Church of Christ, 1511 Nicolet Blvd., Neenah, WI. A memorial service will take place at 6 PM with a time of fellowship and refreshments following. Thank you for honoring the family's request that in lieu of flowers contributions be made to the family's scholarship fund.

11 comments:

  1. I didn't know - until Asbury's alumni mag came out yesterday - of Russ' passing. I goggled his name to try to find out what had happened and found your blog.

    I'd lost track with most of the guys from almost 30 years ago. I am glad to have run across your path again.

    I guess when you're 17 and a new Christian as I was, everyone seems to know more than you and have all the answers.

    Russ and I worked in the cafeteria together... went on a Witness Team together and I appreciated his gentle spirit and kindness.

    When I left Asbury to to spend a semester at KCC, I lost track of the group. I hope you are well and would love to hear from you.

    Willard

    ReplyDelete
  2. Randy,

    Thanks for your blog about Russ. I was unaware of his passing until the Asbury alumni mag came yesterday. I googled his name and found your blog.

    In addition to being in the group together, Russ and I worked in the cafeteria together and went on a Witness Team together. He was a gentle soul, patient and kind.

    I lost track of the group after I transferred from Asbury to KCC. I was unaware of much of what you shared in your blog.

    I'd love to touch base with you again, and hope you are well.

    Peace,

    Willard

    ReplyDelete
  3. Randy, thanks for posting about Russ. I just heard and then came across your blog in the search for information. My only real memories of the group were during the '85/'86 school year before I moved to AL. I was invited to join a group just forming. It was pretty powerful time in my life. One significant memory is building the porch for the family with all the kids. My dest child has the name Sunshine after one of the little girls there. My memory is that was your idea. Thank you. When I returned to town in '88 my time was full of 30 hours a week youth ministry, getting my teaching certification, and delivering 600+ papers every morning. I was a newlywed with too much on my plate. I did not really reconnect. I had no idea of your loss or pain at that time. until reading this blogpost. I am sorry for your loss off friendship both then and now.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Gentlemen, Good to hear from you. I hope you are both well and happy with your lives. It's all just too short not to cherish. Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I echo the shock that I had when I opened the Ambassador. Russ was my R.A. my freshman year, and I'll always remember his sincere concern for each and every one of us.

    I became an R.A. myself and could only hope to be half the R.A. that Russ had been for me. I found him on Facebook and tried to friend him a few years back but never got a response.

    Thanks for sharing your story! I have my own coming out story, which really began my senior year. When I first joined Faceboook, I created a group for gay Asburians. It has quite a few members and a lot of energy for including the stories of ALL students and alumni.

    Thanks again for your moving remembrance of Russ. May he rest in peace and rise in glory!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi there,

    Okay, I'm guilty of googling ex-boyfriends and found this blog. The odd thing is, my life intersected with Russ's at the exact same time as you all write about. We briefly dated at camp and after, and I remember the "house with all the children," that Russ worked in the cafeteria, and that he was an R.A. How odd I remember that after all these years.

    I think I might remember him mentioning this men's discipleship group as well. You all had a real impact on him.

    Russ was a good man and a devoted disciple. I am so very sorry to hear of his passing.

    Christine

    ReplyDelete
  7. One more thing . . . Randy, I think I met you when you came to camp that summer. Russ talked about it for days before. He really loved you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Christine,

    Thank You. I sent you a message on FB.

    Russ had such a charismatic spirit in spite of his darker angels. I would have done anything to have been able to help him make peace between the two. In the end, it was not my place to stand with him by his own choosing, and I have come to peace with that. I will always love him and always regret how is life unfolded.

    ReplyDelete
  9. randuwa, would you be kind enough to email me at david(dot)oestreich(at)gmail(dot)com? Thanks in advance. No problem if not.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I seen this post after doing a search. Could you personally email me Randuwa? I have a question. I am pretty freaking devastated right now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Crystal, I have been denied access to your information and don't have any way to email you. If you send me your email in a comment, I will use it to reply but NOT publish it. I'm otherwise happy to answer any question I can.

    ReplyDelete