From this impossible place, bear with me as I endeavor to tell you the story of my friend Russ O. I will try to be as honest as I can. The more astute among you will have honest questions. I have left no salient point out.
With every story there is a beginning and ours occurred in 1985 when Russ was a student at Asbury College (now University), and I had just returned from a year of teaching in Costa Rica. Upon returning, I renewed my friendships with a couple of men who I had been close to before embarking on my year abroad. One of these men was creating a discipleship group in the image of Christ and his apostles. In selecting his 12, we old friends were the core, and Russ was the last and youngest member to be invited to join. Together and separately we spent the next 3 years in each other's company. I actually participated in the weddings of 4 of the 13 men.
All the while I struggled with my own secret--(no secret now)--that I am gay. So to carry the metaphor out, I guess I was sort of the Judas of the group. At a point in 1989, I came out to the others. It was the most painful, fearful, vulnerable and inevitable thing I've ever done in my life. And I was treated in the moment kindly, but then rejected utterly and completely by all of them. All save one. Russ.
Russ is the one who told me how our then leader had instructed the other men to consider me "dead"...this from the first man (the leader) who ever kissed me!--and it was on a star filled night, and it wasn't a friendship peck on the cheek, but that's another story for another time...
My revelation came as the group had run its course. Members would within a year of my declaration be scattered across many states, but Russ remained to complete his education and our friendship found a new place from which to move forward.
I think it was in 1990 that he married his college girlfriend, Sharon. Later that year they moved to South Africa where he became the editor of a national Christian Magazine there. I had come to depend so much on his presence in my life emotionally that his departure was a jarring experience for me.
As a result, I actually travelled to South Africa and spent several weeks from late- November through December with he and Sharon. They were so kind to me--I was a hot mess of emotions and desires and ignorance of the world and my place in it. And even though I was older by 5 years or so, Russ was a rock.
Therefore, in the near term we continued our friendship. When his mother-in-law died suddenly, I joined them to help with organizing her estate--nothing major, but I still have a handful of artifacts that they gave to me out of appreciation, shells from a trip she'd taken to Fiji, a piece of petrified wood.
And all throughout the years I maintained a pedestrian and faithful communication between us; mostly in the form of holiday cards and poems written on the back of postcards. I always imagined that at some point Russ and I would revisit those years and process them more soundly.
Flash back to this evening.
The news on Sharon's FB page was about Russ. On July 25th he committed suicide. It was about that time that I sent him another notecard with poems and well wishes for a productive school year. (He was a public school teacher.) I guess getting that note prompted Sharon to send me a friend request, so that I could learn of Russ' untimely passing into ancestry.
As a young man in college, Russ had a fine and beautiful body. I envied it for its perfection and effortlessness of form. He was always first to smile, first to chuckle and ready with a silly thought to denude a tense moment. He wore thick glasses, which I can now appreciate, and was lost without them. He had the most delicate and beautiful well-formed small hands. As I type this, I can almost still imagine their gentle touch in mine.... fingers to palm, fingers on my wrist, the porcelain smoothness of his skin.
In my ears rings the words... why why why
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His Obituary in the local paper:
Russell S. Oestreich
Russell Scott Oestreich, age 46, Town of Menasha, died on Tuesday, July 24, 2012. Russell was born on October 11, 1965 to Russell George and Mary (Krier). He was a 1984 graduate of Neenah High School and 1988 graduate of Asbury University, Wilmore, KY. Russ was united in marriage to Sharon Munger on June 10, 1989. He is survived by his wife, Sharon; two sons: Ian and Eli; his father, Russell G. Oestreich; his mother, Mary Doran and her husband, Leonard Doran; his sister, Heidi Frank; his grandmother, Genevieve Krier; his aunt, Kathryn (Dick) Peterson; his uncle, Jim (Wendy) Krier; his nieces and nephews: Courtney and Sarah Susor, Brenna and Nathan Frank, and Travis (Barb) Warren. He was preceded in death by his sisters: Tracy Warren and Jodi Susor. A visitation will be held Friday, July 27, 2012 from 4 - 6 PM at Congregational United Church of Christ, 1511 Nicolet Blvd., Neenah, WI. A memorial service will take place at 6 PM with a time of fellowship and refreshments following. Thank you for honoring the family's request that in lieu of flowers contributions be made to the family's scholarship fund.
